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Getting Ex Back

This testimony is the continuation from To save a marriage.

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass,
it's about learning how to dance in the rain

couple dancing in the rain

Dancing in the rain

An actual honeymoon usually lasts two weeks. But, it seems, this is not how married couple experience a honeymoon. A survey of 5,000 couples carried out by a polling company found that married couples have a honeymoon period, that is the time before each partner starts to take the other for granted, lasting on average two years, six months and 25 days.

It often takes a few more years before there is a relationship breakup. The average length of a marriage is 7 years and 10 months, in the United States. It varies from culture to culture.

My wife’s new honeymoon did not last that long. The moment I was gone, the new man showed his true personality. Recognising an abuser is difficult if one has not experienced one before. The charmer turned nasty.

I returned as quickly as I could to take the children out of harm’s way, and there I found my wife Connie wanting to come back.

The hurt and damage from those months, when I was trying to woo her back and she was trying to distance herself from me through rejection, had sunk deep in my heart. I didn’t trust her and I was in denial that I still felt anything for her.

I could not leave Connie with that creep. She was after all the mother of my children. She was also the person I had shared so many years with. To leave an abuser is very difficulty. They are skilful at manipulating your fear, anxiety and self-confidence. It is nearly always necessary to have social support. I was aware of that and was prepared to help her out of that relationship, but not to get back together again.

Unless one has experienced being with a person with a personality disorder it is a surreal experience to get into the abuser's controlling mind. They are able to get a psychological hold on their victim (which is what their partner invariably is) that is unreal to imagine for someone who has not been there.

An important point to remember if your partner has cheated on you or left you and the other person is an abusive individual. Once your partner has their eyes opened and wants out of that relationship, then your partner needs your support. The time to discuss and go over lessons learned is best left for later. The abused person has been manipulated and the blame should be directed at the abuser, not your partner.

When considering the lessons to be learned, then think through what made your partner susceptible to that individual’s manipulative behavior in the first place. It was a humbling acknowledgement for me.

We had two homes, my wife and our children lived in a flat while I rented a small cottage. the roles had reversed. Now I was the one stonewalling and categorically refused to share a home with my wife. I did not want my wife back.

A relationship break-up is more about decisions than feelings. We often let feelings decide, but feelings are fickle. A firm decision can lead to a change in feelings. My wife made a commitment. It took me six months before I accepted that she was serious.

I then made a commitment in return. Both of us are stubborn and this was a serious commitment, so in this case our stubbornness was a good thing. There were potholes along the way. There were hurts and wounds to heal, but they are now completely healed. That is something we believe cannot happen unless there is a relationship recovery process. We needed to work through them, issue by issue, for the true healing to take place.

That was twenty years ago. Today we have a stronger, healthier and a more mature marriage relationship than we had before. Even better than when we were in our first newly-in-love infatuation.

Children are often used as an excuse for getting a divorce. Our children have benefited from seeing the reality of life; how two people who have hurt each other can work it out and get back together. Our children are now adults, and we have become foster parents.

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